Sexpert Q/A: How to orgasm during sex?

Reader question:

Hi Desiree,

I’m a 28 year old woman and I enjoy having sex with my steady boyfriend. But I have never had an orgasm with him. I have orgasmed with other sexual partners and can still have an orgasm when I masturbate, but with my boyfriend it just doesn’t happen. My boyfriend keeps worrying that I’m not satisfied with our sex life. Even though I am, I’d really like to orgasm when we have sex.

What’s wrong with me? Or is it my partner? Will I ever have an orgasm with him? How might not being able to have one affect my relationship with my boyfriend?

Cheers,
Anna

 

Sexpert response:

Sexpert, Desiree Spierings BA (Psych) MHSc (Sexual Health); Sex Therapist; Relationship Counsellor; Director of Sexual Health Australia and Editorial Advisory Board Member of Virtual Medical Centre and Parenthub responds:

Hi Anna,

Having an orgasm is all about letting go! The good news is you were able to have a vaginal orgasm during sex before with previous partners, which means chances are you will have them again in the future. There may be a little bit of pressure on him and you now in order to get that orgasm happening and by thinking “please come, please come, please come!” this can prevent you from staying in a sexual mindset.

My biggest tip is to take the focus away from having an orgasm all together and to just focus on all the other lovely sexual sensations you can feel and experience together. If an orgasm happens that’s great but if not that’s also OK. Additionally, it is important you guide your boyfriend to where and how to touch you and also how to make love to you in a way that is satisfying for you. Remember he cannot mind-read what it is you desire. So outside the bedroom give him some tips as to what you really like and what sorts of things do not really do it for you. Do not discuss this during sex, because again it kills the moment. During sex, encourage him by highlighting and making sexual sounds when you do enjoy his moves or touches.

Furthermore, it is important to note that his penis during intercourse may be stimulating you slightly differently than other men. You could try to see if he can use his fingers or possibly a sexual vibrator or dildo to make you orgasm vaginally. It is important to note that not every woman is capable of having an orgasm this way. However, almost all women are able to orgasm via clitoral stimulation. You could also incorporate clitoral stimulation while having sex with him and at least orgasm that way during sex.

Last but not least there are a few orgasm triggers you could try, which are:

• Point toes and tense your muscles
• Rock your body and thrust your pelvis or vagina
• Arching your body
• Throwing your head back
• Hanging your head over the side of the bed

However, again just to be clear, the best thing for you to do is to realise that your whole body is an erogenous zone and you can derive pleasure from it. Sex is a whole lot more than just having an orgasm. So instead of focusing on that, take the pressure away and start to focus on other sexual pleasures you can gain by enjoying each other. You will see that the orgasm will happen once you relax and let go.

More information

For information about the female orgasm and the factors influencing a woman’s ability to orgasm, read Female Orgasm.